You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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