he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
