God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
