Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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