before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
