Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
