I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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