You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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