first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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