Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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