if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
