theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
