Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
