I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
