i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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