1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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