I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
