she smelled like a LAN party
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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