the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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