I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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