I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
