i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
