Swine flu is the new snow day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How does one acquire holy water?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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