dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
