Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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