make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
