You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
