So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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