i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
