Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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