If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
