No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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