I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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