I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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