is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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