guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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