I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The Olympian is in my bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
