and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
