mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
