I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
