it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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