It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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