my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
