how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
