if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
