How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
