he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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