My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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