Nicole vs. Life
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
