On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
