I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
